Agree and Disagree in Love - Part 2 May 9, 2010

Agree and Disagree in Love - Part 2

Matthew 18:15-22

May 9, 2010 - Mother's Day

Rev. Nancy Pfaltzgraf

Lynn was the chairperson of the personnel department of a large company. It was her responsibility to see that the employees were able to communicate openly and honestly with one another so that they could work together efficiently and co-operatively.

Lynn worked proactively. Whenever she saw a conflict in the making she stepped in to help the protagonists come to an understanding before their differences interfered with their job. In her experience, differences of opinion that weren't talked about candidly often festered under the surface until they erupted in a full-fledged argument. When that happened, words that should have been left unsaid were frequently spoken in anger. This often resulted in hurt feelings or misunderstandings that were hard to forgive and even harder to forget. That's why it was so much better to talk openly about a situation. Even if protagonists had to agree to disagree, it was still better than talking about it behind someone's back. All too often that resulted in groups of people taking sides against each other. Then no one won and everyone lost.

Lynn was also the chairperson of her congregation's church council. In many ways her position on the church council was like her job because part of her job description involved helping the congregational members to communicate openly and honestly with one another. Lynn had thought that that part of her role would be easy. But it wasn't. The church's members were more reluctant to talk with one another about their differences than the people at work were. Somewhere along the line they had learned that Christians shouldn't disagree with one another.

Where did that idea come from? Why is it that conflict in the church seems so wrong? As we began to explore this issue last week I said that, part of the problem was the fact that "we often label as conflict only those situations which include such negative elements as bitterness, hurt and division."[1] If we successfully negotiate our differences without such negative components we tend to call them either arguments or disagreements. But Lynn's story seems to indicate that at least some of us even shy away from disagreements, thinking they are somehow unchristian. But nothing could be further from the truth. So why is it that we are so afraid of disagreements, arguments and conflicts?

On more than one occasion when his children and their friends were playing and the inevitable squabbles broke out, Lawrence Ressler,[2] a professional mediator and family therapist, would sit the children down and engage them in what he understood to be a good conflict resolution process. He would invite each person to tell their version of what happened, with no interruptions allowed. He then asked each of them to say what they heard the others saying in an effort to make sure that they had really listened and heard one another. Then after all had expressed their views, he worked to help them clarify the issues and then taking each issue in turn to come up with a number of ways to resolve it. They would then explore which solution seemed best for all involved and come to an agreement about what they would do. When he was satisfied that all were feeling good about the decision he would send them off to play.

On one such occasion, after their friends had left his kids said to him, "Dad, we hate it when you make us sit down and talk like that. It embarrasses us. Nobody else does it that way. We just want to be normal."

Healthy resolution of our disagreements is, in fact, not "normal" because the vast majority of us have never learned the steps, the attitudes and the actions which allow such results. When we look at the world around us what seems to be normal are the unhealthy processes folks engage in when they disagree; blaming, labeling, name calling, scapegoating, bullying, backstabbing and threats -both overt and subtle- and finally out and out violence, if nothing else works to silence the enemy. Now to be sure that is not the kind of "normal" to which Jesus calls his disciples. But neither is avoiding disagreements and pretending they don't exist, sweeping them under the carpet and hoping they will just go away.

If we seek to be disciples of Jesus, that is if we seek to take to heart what Jesus taught and model our life after his; if we seek to follow his command to pick up our own cross and follow him; if we seek to live Christ's compassion and promote justice, healing and wholeness of life then we need to listen to his instructions about what to do when we disagree. In today's scripture from Matthew 18 we find such instruction:

Ø   Go directly to the one who has hurt you or with whom you disagree.

Ø   Go in a spirit of gentleness, patience and humility.

Ø   Be quick to listen, slow to judge, and willing to negotiate.

Ø   If that does not work, bring a trusted third party to help you resolve your differences.

Ø   If that does not work be willing to submit to the wisdom of the community, gathered in prayer and seeking to embody God's forgiving, reconciling love.

What I find interesting about this teaching of Jesus is where Matthew puts it in the preaching of his gospel. Matthew 18 begins with a conflict about who is greatest in the realm of God, moves to a discourse about how disciples are to treat the littlest and the least among them and then moves to the story of leaving ninety-nine sheep to go in search of one who is lost. It ends with Peter asking, "Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?" [Matt 18:21] And Jesus responds: "Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven." [Matt 18:22]  With Jesus' instructions embedded within a context of the extravagant graciousness of God, Matthew seems to say that honest love and genuine forgiveness, born out of facing our differences with care, are to be the marks of those who seek to follow Jesus.

Sister Miriam Therese MacGillis, puts it this way: "Jesus did not avoid conflict. He confronted people all over the place, but he didn't violate them or seek to annihilate them; he simply invited them into a new way of being." As we seek to listen, really listen to each other with respect for ourselves and each other; as we learn to speak our partial and limited truth with compassion and care; as we commit to make our experiences unconditionally constructive we are all invited into a new way of seeing, a new way of being.

 In our 2008 Visioning Process we discerned goals to guide our life together through 2011. One of our goals was to "maintain and promote healthy communications and implement a formal conflict resolution process." As part of that goal the Governing Board has been exploring a document called Agreeing and Disagreeing in Love.[3] Either last week or today, I hope you picked up a copy of the first two pages of that document. As I said last week, I hope you will read it, pray about it and discuss it.

But more than that, I hope that, using it as a starting place, we can all learn and grow our capacity for healthy communication and our conflict transformation skills. Just imagine what our congregation, your family, our community, our nation or the world would be like if we learned, practiced and taught our children how to agree and disagree in love. Just imagine the way life could be if we honored the piece of the truth planted in each heart and mind and allowed the pieces and parts to come together to make a more beautiful whole. After all, a painting needs more than one color, a song needs more than one note and our world needs more than one voice.

With God's help and the Spirit's guidance may we be part of creating a new "normal" for the world. Amen.